Great sex doesn’t stop with age

NST: Hey, post-menopausal women! Just because your breasts sag and vagina atrophies doesn’t mean you can’t have sex, writes JESSICA LIM.
Grinning like an ad for kopi tongkat ali, the 68-year-old sexologist proudly announces that his sex life is blooming. His wife is two years younger, and he’s pretty sure she enjoys herself as much as he does.
"I have 80, even 90-year-old women in my clinic who are having great sex. Age is not a barrier," says Prof Kim Won-Whe, who travels the world spreading his message of hope.
The founding president of the Korean Association of Sexology and Asia-Pacific Meno- pause Federation, Kim spoke to doctors on approaches to menopause in Kuala Lumpur on July 28.
"Good sex is the number one criterion for quality of life, even more than careers," he said, quoting a global survey by Pfizer, which polled 27,500 women aged between 40 and 80 in 29 nations.
The big problem, of course, is that we Malaysians are shy-lah.
Only about six per cent of menopausal women in Malaysia have enough guts to talk to their doctors about it. More than half don’t utter a word to anybody.
Yet three out of four endure vaginal pain during sex, and a flaccid sex life has significant effects on their femininity, partners and quality of life, says a recent survey on 300 post-menopausal Malaysians by Synovate Healthcare.
The survey was part of a bigger regional study involving 1,000 women above 45.
Interestingly, commented Malaysian Menopause Society president Prof Nik Mohd Nasri Nik Ismail, only two in 10 post-menopausal Malaysians admit they have reduced libido, compared to seven in 10 Asians.
"Sex after menopause seems to really be a taboo here, even compared to our neighbouring countries."
One 47 year-old woman said, "Nobody even thinks of their grandmothers as sexual beings. It’s society putting us into a box and dismissing us as ‘sexless’.
"We want sex, just that no one wants to do it with us. Nobody thinks we want it. That’s rubbish."
Nik Mohd Nasri explained that with menopause, estrogen levels plummet, and the worst hit body part would be a woman’s vagina.
There are about 30 layers lining a young woman’s vagina. After menopause, there are less than five. That, plus the lack of lubrication can cause tearing and bleeding during penetrative sex.
There are also snappy tempers, anxiety attacks, hot flushes and a whole caboodle of other symptoms to deal with.
But sex can be great despite all that, said Kim.
"Sex doesn’t only happen between your two legs. It also happens between your two ears," he beamed, tapping his temple with a finger.
"We must stop thinking that sex is coitus. Sex is what you feel in your brain."
"Whatever you do, if you are pleased, that is enough."
He said that one of the main reasons women stop having sex after menopause is because both their ability and their partner’s to perform drops by half. He quoted one study where women with younger husbands were able to keep their sex lives longer.
He’s not saying that we should delude ourselves into thinking we can carry on like horny teenagers after menopause, because like it or not, our bodies change.
If you look at perfect love as a pie, it would have three main slices — passion, intimacy and commitment.
Although the "passion" part dwindles as we round the fifth decade bend, the need for intimacy and commitment remains at an all-time high.
The way couples have sex, then, has to change somewhat, but does not have to be any less satisfying.
Besides being extra understanding, considering hormone replacement therapy, leading healthy lifestyles and maintaining regular sex, Kim had one more tip to add.
"Use lubricant. Lots of it."